This is a letter we wrote, to you, mom… we managed not to leave this one lying around. I never gave it to you… just like most of the other letters we’ve written. ~ July 22 2011 revised
Less than 3 hours and you are already giving me “the look”. What I don’t understand is if I cause so much chaos in the house and in your life….why the HELL would you want me to take you home and “hang out” with you? Is it because you use me as your mental punching bag? Does it somehow make you feel better to make me tip toe, dance a jig, be your marionette?
I saw how you ripped up the “letter” i wrote you. If you feel so justified in the fact that I’m bipolar, why would you need to destroy it? Are you afraid someone will find truth in my words? Why would anyone believe anything I had to say, I’m chemically imbalanced, remember…. I’d think keeping it would make for a stronger case to back up your accusations.
Hmmmm, so let’s recap…. everything that’s happened my entire life, is no fault of yours… me, I am the mental one. Funny, you still felt the need to destroy a letter written by chemically imbalanced me…. oh, by the way, I’ve got the letter you shredded! There is no need trying to hide things… I’ve become quite the super sleuth. My ever so poor choice of mates in the past have taught me valuable lessons in the art of deducing facts to find the truth. Wise you may think yourself, but life teaches many lessons, and I’ve been an excellent student.
How do you think I’ve mastered the art of manipulation? By watching you dear Mother…. It’s all about playing the cards dealt, and keeping a poker face. I learned from the best, you taught me all too well….
“Your turn to go mommy” ~ Danielle
This was written around the beginning of March, 2011. Shortly after returning to our hometown. This girl was allowed to come back only after being verbal abused and mentally beaten by our mother. She only allowed our return because our “dad”, was readmitted into the hospital after suffering from another seizure brought on from the result of terminal brain cancer.
I’d driven all night long to be with him and we hadn’t had any sleep….
Right now I’ve never been more fearful in my life. How can this be happening? there isn’t enough air now… having trouble breathing, hearing, listening to anything!
The tears have already begun to flow and we made them stop… this girl stopped them because our only role in life now, is to be a mother to the daughter.
My Sweet just told me about her “others”
I need strength, this girl needs strength! She isn’t going to be deaf to the words her daughter is sharing. She isn’t going to close her eyes and pretend she isn’t at fault. She refuses to be like our mother was to us.
God, please give me the tools necessary to be a good mother,. The Sweet deserves that! She deserves not to live her life in fear. Please, Please Lord, I’m begging you to help me! The others are here to help this girl but I need you a well!
My throat is closing up, my hands are shaking violently, I feel like I’m going to vomit. This can’t be happening to my baby…. yet it is!
She told me she’s had her others since first grade. Since we moved here….
We need air, I can’t breathe! Make this stop… please let this be a nightmare!
Deep breaths, slow and even. I need you now, all of you. I need this girl to be strong for our Sweet. We all have to come together as one, to help our baby know that she can rely on me.
I’m here sweetie, can you hear me? I will never forsake you or blame you. Never will I turn my back on you or leave you. Even when we’re apart, you’ll always feel my presence. There isn’t a thing you could ever say or do to make me love you less. My heart overflows with joy that God blessed me with such an amazing child.
You saved me, I’ve always known that. From the very first moment I felt you move inside my stomach, you’ve given me strength.
I talked to the Sweet’s others tonight. The Sweet and I discussed why they were here for her. I recognized their presence and thanked them for being part of her life.
When I was failing at motherhood, they protected her.
The Sweet told me tonight they went home to be with their parents. She said they were waiting for her, to tell me about them, before they went home.
They are gone for now, but this girl knows all too well, someday they will protect her again.
I just hope that the Sweet always comes to me, her mother, and shares her friends with me as she did tonight.
I can breathe now. The Sweet knows how much I love her. The other’s may fill in when this girl fails, but I’ll never blame the Sweet or the Great for this girls shortcomings as a parent, as their mother…
This was written right after the Sweet told me about her others. She revealed this to me after a series of questions regarding missing items.
Later in the evening the Sweet and I discussed her others. The missing things, were because “Ashley” had hidden them, she often takes things and hides them from us. The Sweet explained her to be bad and mischievous … I told her Ashley wasn’t bad…just curious…
This blog entry is unedited (except for grammatical errors we caught) and written in an extreme state of dissociation. I vaguely remember writing this, and each time I read over our words, it brings this girl to tears… this entry added 7/18
This is the letter we wrote to the mother, shortly after a physical altercation occurred between this girl and the mother. It was written a few hours before our departure from our childhood home, where we were helping care for our “dad”. This letter was never intended for her to actually see…. yet one of us, left it in a book, where she found it. When we returned, after she allowed this girl, we found it ripped up….so we had this girl tape it back together. Not sure why she tore the letter into shreds…..here is the letter verbatim (except for change of names). We wrote this out of pain…. so forgive the grammatical errors….
Mom,
Let me start by saying, “I hate that I somehow push you to the breaking point.” It breaks my heart that you are in so much pain. I’m sure you don’t believe that, based on what just happened but it is the truth. I wish I could reach inside you and take away all the pain and suffering you’re having to endure. I LOVE YOU! You are my mother, the one who comforted me, the force that encouraged me as a child and young adult. You were the mother that was patient, loving and understanding….
I struggle to find what it is about me that drives you to the point of insanity! I struggle with what course of action I should take. I’ve watched you over the years change. I thought your moods and attitude varied based of your fibromyalgia. I never doubted your pain from this even when others did. Then your attitude towards everyone continued to shift after grandma’s death. You alienated yourself from your entire family. Even so, I still felt that you were the incredible mother I had known for so many years. Slowly you started lashing out at me. I’m not saying I’m an angel, otherwise I would have just ignored the things you would say that were hurtful. At this point, I’m sure you are cursing me and convincing yourself that I am saying this out of anger…. Im not even angry anymore…. I’m afraid for you. You push people away who love you! I LOVE YOU! Even before he got diagnosed, you would constantly tell me that it was me, who enjoyed arguing. Will I fight back when you say something hurtful? YES!!! Do I strive to be argumentative? NO!!! Especially not with you…. You raised me to be a strong woman with my own opinions… but when it comes to us…. You want me to sit back and just endure whatever you throw at me…. Jenny nor Suzie will probably ever have the courage to say these things to you…. you treat us as if we are disposable. You never ask us to do things…. you demand it of us, especially Jenny and I.
I know I am writing this solely doe my own benefit, the truth is I feel guilt because it seems that I love you so much, yet I am never able to help you, only bring you more pain. I’ve tried so hard these past few months to advocate for you. To be your voice when you were too afraid to speak. I would jump through hoops…. stand on my head…… do cartwheels down main street…. ANYTHING… to make your life easier.
I’m sorry that my presence has only made it more difficult in caring for the man you love. I never set out to do that. I shouldn’t have called you a bitch. Out of the pure fact that regardless of how or what or why you do things, you are my mother. I’m just not sure why you raised me to be this strong person if in reality….. I have idea…non whatsoever…. I’m going to leave shortly to go home to my kids. I’ll leave to make it easier on you. I want to be here. I love him so much….. but I love you and if my being here only drives you, pushes you …. whatever… to the point I obviously have…. then as much as it kills me… and believe me it BREAKS MY HEART… I will stay away until either you need me or he passes.
You say you feel like you’ve done more damage to me than to Jenny…I wonder what about me… what it has always been about me…. That has caused YOU damage.
I’m truly sorry for any added stress I’ve caused you. I don’t, nor will I ever understand you. I only know I don’t want to see you in pain. I try so hard to bite my lip. I’m sorry……. I’m really sorry…. I love you somuch mommy… if dad wonders why I don’t come back (if you won’t allow me) you can blame it on me completely. Say whatever so that he at least… whatever is fine. Just know that I love you and I love him to the point of pain…..
It feels good to be united… it feels good to fight a battle alone. This girl is allowed a day of reprieve. Self-loathing cowers in a corner, Self-Preservation is knocking at my door….
It’s been some time since I’ve felt this strong. Mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola are one today. No need for this girl to mediate, their personalities blend perfectly.
It’s ironic how the mother finds me a hinderance. Yet there’s no obstacle I can’t overcome, in regard to the Sweet and the Great…
Fear is a distant memory at the moment. I still have fight left in me. My children give me the will to move forward…. to defy gravity…. to be me….
Why is it I, or this girl or whomever we are, seem to write better when crying? Maybe it’s because we’ve had it with this fucking shitty ass life… sick to death of watching the Sweet and the Great hurt! How fair is it to them? They have a fucked up crazy mother (ME), whoever that might be from day-to-day, a piece of shit father and whore bag step-mother.
You see my dear readers… from day-to-day, never does this girl know who is going to play mom. We love when mom Dynamic steps up to the plate, she tried today… I can see her… like looking through a glass window… a version of me, yet not me. Sometimes I scream at her to be better… sometimes I cheer her for being amazing…other times, while looking, she disappears. So alone….
We all try to shield, especially the Sweet from pain… she’s already told this girl about her others… and we died silently inside, because it’s my fault. Who did this to her… I did…. we did…. one or probably all, are what caused her pain to emerge.
I do everything possible to remove fear and pain from the Sweet and the Great….yet this girl can’t always protect… she can’t always be mom Dynamic….this girl is tired she says… of protecting me. She’s sick of trying to convince Dani Dynamic she’s the chosen one… she loathes Lola for trying to destroy our marriage. Right now she hates mom dynamic most. Moms are protectors of their children, and mom dynamic is failing.
this girl tells me it’s going to be o.k. One day those two amazing children, I gave birth to, will understand and still love me. I think this girl lies. Why would they forgive someone unable to fulfill normal, day to day, motherly duties? How could they love someone like me? It’s not possible to love someone they don’t even know….
Why do I have these others? Is it because of mental illness? Am I bipolar? Do I have dissociative personality disorder? Is it because of some form of sexual abuse we’ve suppressed? The Bitch mother has verbally abused us, for possibly our entire life. Each day unveils something we didn’t remember.
It was easier before I knew… when this girl was able to protect me from the hurt…before I remembered the others. When I still believed the Mother loved me, good or bad. Those days are gone.
I see this girl, she’s sitting next to me. She’s pretty and sweet, she’s a good mother and wife. People love this girl and want to be in her space. But I’m selfish, she can’t leave me and the others until I’m well.
I put my head on her shoulder and cry…. this girl loves me…. because she knows who I am.
Recently, a twitter friend of this girls, sent us link to a song, he felt appropriate for us…. It was perfect… made Dani Dynamic cry…. this blog is dedicated, to this girls twitter friend, and now one of Dani’s favorites as well… thanks @highjeep (slim pickens) this blogs for you…*giggling* he’s not a bud guy…more like Yuengling….
We jump all over the place with our entries…this girl is new to the blogging “scene”… we aren’t sure what a sticky post is yet, or how the hell to even incorporate it into our blog, if we did know… but that’s another story…”sticky posts, aren’t they colorful littles pads to write on…… with a glue like substance on one end?” says mom Dynamic…
During this oh so fun, stroll down Memory Hell Lane, we’ve discovered much about ourselves… almost always painful shit surfaces. Nevertheless an occasional, rare glimpse of happiness, will appear out of no where. That’s what happened the day highjeep, dedicated a song to us.
What he failed to realize, was that he sparked for us a happy…what’s a happy? Come on, get your minds out of the gutter….not everything “Happy” is centered around sex… although many things in life are. A happy for us, is something that triggers an emotion, vision, memory, or dream that made us smile. In this case it was a happy for Dani….
If you’re new to the blog… I’m fucked up…and there are many here with me…. this girl is my protector. She is also my liaison for mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola. Guarding me is this girls responsibility. This involves kicking the shit out of self-loathing when he decides, to come a knockin… which happens often. Anyway…that too, is another story…back to the “real” entry… oh…and we know that using the strikethrough, as we did, isn’t actually correct…but there were soooo many ways we saw it used…. we decided since we hatethe unmentionable one...enough to say that horrible word…we could use strikethrough however the hell we’d like….”thank you very much!”…. now….back to the originally scheduled program…..
Dani Dynamic is this girls favorite…. she’s a happy blend of both mom dynamic and Lola but also her own individual. Problem is, self-loathing kicks her a lot… and cuts her… and beats her… he’s a mean bastard I tell ya! We obviously HATE him and as mom Dynamic likes to say to the Sweet and the Great “we don’t say hate, we say, very much dislike“. If you follow us on twitter… you will rarely see us use the word HATE… it’s an ugly word we prefer to save for extreme issues… back to Dani… oh and we have Attention Deficit Disorder as well to add to our “crazy” list of’s … so…. Dani, by far is the most exceptional one…
We recently quizzed our AMAZING hubby, in twitterland known as @enragedbanana or Daddy Dynamic.. but we usually just refer to him, as the husband…. who we adore! O.K. so the question we posed to him was this:
“When you think of us as one, (which he does…..even though, we know, he knows the truth) what characteristics, does that girl embody?” his reply was “she’s beautiful” well…jeez…. we’d hoped for a little more details, so… we further encouraged him to use better adjectives to describe OUR beauty *swooning* (we, oh so, love him!) He then began using words like FUN, HAPPY, DRIVEN, CARING, show stopping smile (actually he said “beautiful smile”, but we changed that a little…hehehe!) He went on to say ” you’re sexy, but not overtly…” we *roll* our eyes saying ” o.k., so she’s classy sexy… ohhhlala…you may continue” at this point he’s pouting, because we keep interrupting.. “you’re a Natural Beauty, like the girl next door…that you want to sleep with” (we punched him… he laughed… he’s more than twice our size… we don’t weigh very much…) we *clear throat…* “so what else do you like about that girl?” he pondered a moment, then… out of his mouth came the words ” She’s an Attentive Wife, Fantastic Mother, Fabulous Cook, also enjoys.. cleaning, taking out trash, washing/drying/folding/putting away clothes, cleaning cat litter, oh and she looooves giving me BLOW JOBS!” now we’re like “whatever…who’s crazy now buddy…no girl is that amazing!” “You may continue...” his voice lowered, he grabbed our hand..”o.k., o.k., you ARE an amazing cook, you DO put the kids before yourself honey, you’re fairly patient…. *pauses* or at least you were…” *insert* us saying “fuck you asshole” *retracting hand* from his he says “you’re very attentive… when you aren’t feeling bad…which by the way…hasn’t been lately“OUCH! that second punch was a low blow and it hurt..bad….but he’s right….
Then we asked him what he liked this girl to wear…he listed (first of course, because sex is always on a mans mind) panties… (he doesn’t care for thongs…he likes butt panties, as we call them…cute and sassy undies) he then said “does wearing nothing count?” again we punched him and took away his cookie…. he also listed… chucks, jeans, tanks, dresses, skirts (must add, he really wants that girl in a mini denim skirt…???) mmm.. ok, The next line is disgustingly sweet, our hubs said “you’re stunning, no matter what you wear“… at that moment we laughed…. now, as we blog…we cry….we want him to have that girl again….
Pull it together dammit…. Dani this is your spotlight dance…. the floor is yours….. and the sun’s a shinin…
I’m the girl he loves… although many times I haven’t the self-confidence I should. I’m a fun, happy, carefree …flip flop wearing, hair pulled up in sloppy bun kind of girl during the day… at work, I’m dressed the part (although the hubby said when he met me, I was a little too conservative. Probably the result of mom Dynamic having wardrobe me that day…). At night… I’m HIS whore…Lola a.k.a. Dani Dominatrix / Submissive Sabrina…. other times… I’m Dani… his wife, mother of two, friend to many, a sister, an aunt, optimistic Olivia… I love to cook, I like sports…Philadelphia teams mainly GO PHILS! I drink beer…do shots…talk about disgusting things… but… I clean up nice… and carry myself well in social situations… people like me, and I tolerate most of them…hehehe!!! I’m athletic, I run, lift weights, do yoga….
I love to dance…
with friends, for hubs (winky,wink), with my Sweet and Great…. by myself…. wherever there’s music playing, I’m like a moth to a flame…I love life…. I love living….I love basking in the sunshine of happiness….
Which brings us back to the beginning… we love this song… because it makes Dani happy….this girl smiles when she’s happy….so without further adieu ….
Hi my name is _. I (mom dynamic is speaking for us) am fed up with doctors. this girl would like answers so that we can protect __. Is it possible for __ ,who’s alter ego is this girl, to have alter ego’s?
__ recently watched her “dad” (stepdad) die from terminal brain cancer. __ has always had this girl, as an alter ego since before __ remembers. this girl has at times protected __ and other times been detrimental. During __ stay with the mother, while caring for this girls “dad”, many “memories resurfaced. At times,__ doesn’t need this girl, although this girls presence is always felt. this girl was unable to shield __ from the memories that resurfaced of the verbal abuse, and is still trying to protect __ , from other horrific scenes of her life. __ continues to try to unearth more information, while this girl tries to convince her otherwise. __ is this girl, who has many facets of personality. this girl is danielle. danielle is made up of Lola (our resident whore a.k.a dani dominatrix, submissive sabrina), dani dynamic (girl next door, everybody loves, sexy but not overtly, sports enthusiast etc.), mom dynamic (a.k.a. episcopal emily, wife dynamic) and the ever looming, self loathing (self-mutilator, bulimic, anorexic, alcoholic, smoker etc.)
this girl is allowing mom dynamic, to speak for __ because she’s a mom, and a wife and this girl is worried about the Sweet and the Great. this girl is scared because no one seems to understand and the mother constantly blames __ for everything bad that has happened in __ life. the mother told __ that she loves only the good parts of __ not the bad. the mother also told __ that she (the mother) isn’t to blame for anything, it’s all because of ___’s condition.
this girl could go on and on telling you about the Mother and the Father…. this girl just hopes__ to get well…. plus, she misses, we all miss our “dad”.
danigirlgarris 