I’m not sure how this started, why it’s even happening. I only know, or better yet feel, that you see me, all of me.
I find myself falling, hard. I hate admitting that to anyone, especially to ourselves. We aren’t usually this weak, very few ever penetrate the surface, to our soul. All of us have a problem with this relationship, most of all me. Yet we continue to fall further and further, into this dream we’ve created for us…. We can’t go down this path, can we? Don’t we have too much to lose, don’t you?
You’re all I can think about. I imagine your arms around me, holding ME. This feels like I’m part of a fairytale, but fairy tales don’t exist. That’s what they are, fairy tales, where the charming beautiful girl meets the man of her dreams, the one she will spend eternity with. Doesn’t happen, not in real life, we’ve fallen for that before.
If we were together, if this were something we could act on, would you be falling as hard? I hear it in your voice, the way you share your innermost thoughts with us, how you express your emotions for us so openly. I know you are falling, and I admit, I am as well. So where does that leave us?
It’s funny, writing this, I know it’s completely all of me doing it. I recognize this handwriting, unlike most things written lately. This handwriting is Danielle’s, this is all of me expressing our emotions….
You know my issues. Why in the HELL aren’t you running? You can’t fix me, I’m not even sure I can fix myself. Why would you put yourself and your world on the line for me?
Don’t fall in love. I’ll disappoint you. I’m a disappointment to myself. Loving me, loving all of me is wrong and it will only hurt you in the end.
I’m not Cinderella, you’re not Prince Charming. At the end of the day, I’m still a WE! No one else has been able to grasp this concept, what makes you any different?
Do us and everyone else a favor, run. Please don’t lead me to believe life could ever have a fairytale ending. We learned many years ago, that fairy tales only exist in movies…. and books with tattered pages…..
actually it is me -> this girl -> and it continues…. we, nor this girl, nor __ will ever apologize for being us!!
Much love to our friend… we will mention him in a more positive light at later time… because of your inquisitive nature…you inspired this girl to write about us.. much love and kisses…let us know if you read…
this girl has stated before that Twitter has been a safe haven lately. Originally we made an account just to spy on the Sweet (daughter). To clarify, danigarrisgirl account (now Lola_Lovesalot), was created for the sole purpose of spying on the daughter. The revelation of how amazing twitter was, came in the form of “wow”! We all found it mesmerizing, to watch such vile, extreme, creative, blasphemy of posts each day! It was love, flashing before our eyes…. we were hooked….ahhhh such relief to just be…. just be…..whatever each day dictates this girl to be…whomever needed to step to the plate did, and with such great pride….
We’ve tried explaining who this girl is in previous posts. Hell, half the time she doesn’t even know who she is. Someone on twitter, whom we’ve followed under @musicdynamics (Dani Dynamic) profile for a while, suddenly took notice of this girl on the mother ship profile. At first he thought this girl to be fun, we’re assuming. You see, he was talking to Dani Dynamic, she’s a sports enthusiast. It’s baseball season for God’s sake! this girl LOVES the Phillies!!! Funny thing is, since he was only following us on the mother ship, he didn’t realize, this girl has created alternate accounts for all of us. This was done in an attempt to, allow all of us a play date together. Oh, and just to clarify, this is mom dynamic (@momdynamic) speaking. Very rarely do we all get to play at once, in our day to day lives.
This “twitter friend” stated, when he first started chatting with us, we used the term I. Then we switched it up on him, and started saying we. this girl chooses to use the terms, we and us, in an attempt to allow people to get to know us. Problems like this occur from time to time, when one of us is dominating the others. In fact this is Mom Dynamic, I can speak freely. I, can be me, mom dynamic. I, could also be dani dynamic, or even the ever so popular Lola. Sadly enough at times, I could also be self-loathing speaking. We all felt this girl would feel more stress if we needed, when chatting and tweeting, to make “our” presence known specifically. This is why we normally just use we, or us, regardless of who is actually speaking for this girl. Other times, this girl speaks for herself. this girl protects __ ,we are this girl.
Confused? For the most part we are as well… it ain’t easy friends, living inside this head.
In an attempt to clarify, as best we can, I, mom dynamic, thought of a plan! we should do …… wait for it…wait for it….a family tree for this girl, or something of the sorts. That way anyone on Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo, Google, etc. could potentially have a better idea of who this girl is and how she protects __.
Family Tree is now a work in progress…. stay tuned to this blog for upcoming reveal… The Truth About Who’s Who in this girls Life; Who this girl Is and Why __ needs her; Who the Hell Are All These People; It Takes a Village To Raise this girl…. all upcoming episodes on Danigirlgarris Blog
This post was written sometime back… The only change made, was that danigarrisgirl profile is now Lola_Lovesalot. Originally danigarrisgirl was, the mother ship profile, but Lola took over….
Now this girl is without a safe-haven to call our own….
It feels good to be united… it feels good to fight a battle alone. This girl is allowed a day of reprieve. Self-loathing cowers in a corner, Self-Preservation is knocking at my door….
It’s been some time since I’ve felt this strong. Mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola are one today. No need for this girl to mediate, their personalities blend perfectly.
It’s ironic how the mother finds me a hinderance. Yet there’s no obstacle I can’t overcome, in regard to the Sweet and the Great…
Fear is a distant memory at the moment. I still have fight left in me. My children give me the will to move forward…. to defy gravity…. to be me….
Why is it I, or this girl or whomever we are, seem to write better when crying? Maybe it’s because we’ve had it with this fucking shitty ass life… sick to death of watching the Sweet and the Great hurt! How fair is it to them? They have a fucked up crazy mother (ME), whoever that might be from day-to-day, a piece of shit father and whore bag step-mother.
You see my dear readers… from day-to-day, never does this girl know who is going to play mom. We love when mom Dynamic steps up to the plate, she tried today… I can see her… like looking through a glass window… a version of me, yet not me. Sometimes I scream at her to be better… sometimes I cheer her for being amazing…other times, while looking, she disappears. So alone….
We all try to shield, especially the Sweet from pain… she’s already told this girl about her others… and we died silently inside, because it’s my fault. Who did this to her… I did…. we did…. one or probably all, are what caused her pain to emerge.
I do everything possible to remove fear and pain from the Sweet and the Great….yet this girl can’t always protect… she can’t always be mom Dynamic….this girl is tired she says… of protecting me. She’s sick of trying to convince Dani Dynamic she’s the chosen one… she loathes Lola for trying to destroy our marriage. Right now she hates mom dynamic most. Moms are protectors of their children, and mom dynamic is failing.
this girl tells me it’s going to be o.k. One day those two amazing children, I gave birth to, will understand and still love me. I think this girl lies. Why would they forgive someone unable to fulfill normal, day to day, motherly duties? How could they love someone like me? It’s not possible to love someone they don’t even know….
Why do I have these others? Is it because of mental illness? Am I bipolar? Do I have dissociative personality disorder? Is it because of some form of sexual abuse we’ve suppressed? The Bitch mother has verbally abused us, for possibly our entire life. Each day unveils something we didn’t remember.
It was easier before I knew… when this girl was able to protect me from the hurt…before I remembered the others. When I still believed the Mother loved me, good or bad. Those days are gone.
I see this girl, she’s sitting next to me. She’s pretty and sweet, she’s a good mother and wife. People love this girl and want to be in her space. But I’m selfish, she can’t leave me and the others until I’m well.
I put my head on her shoulder and cry…. this girl loves me…. because she knows who I am.
Recently, a twitter friend of this girls, sent us link to a song, he felt appropriate for us…. It was perfect… made Dani Dynamic cry…. this blog is dedicated, to this girls twitter friend, and now one of Dani’s favorites as well… thanks @highjeep (slim pickens) this blogs for you…*giggling* he’s not a bud guy…more like Yuengling….
We jump all over the place with our entries…this girl is new to the blogging “scene”… we aren’t sure what a sticky post is yet, or how the hell to even incorporate it into our blog, if we did know… but that’s another story…”sticky posts, aren’t they colorful littles pads to write on…… with a glue like substance on one end?” says mom Dynamic…
During this oh so fun, stroll down Memory Hell Lane, we’ve discovered much about ourselves… almost always painful shit surfaces. Nevertheless an occasional, rare glimpse of happiness, will appear out of no where. That’s what happened the day highjeep, dedicated a song to us.
What he failed to realize, was that he sparked for us a happy…what’s a happy? Come on, get your minds out of the gutter….not everything “Happy” is centered around sex… although many things in life are. A happy for us, is something that triggers an emotion, vision, memory, or dream that made us smile. In this case it was a happy for Dani….
If you’re new to the blog… I’m fucked up…and there are many here with me…. this girl is my protector. She is also my liaison for mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola. Guarding me is this girls responsibility. This involves kicking the shit out of self-loathing when he decides, to come a knockin… which happens often. Anyway…that too, is another story…back to the “real” entry… oh…and we know that using the strikethrough, as we did, isn’t actually correct…but there were soooo many ways we saw it used…. we decided since we hatethe unmentionable one...enough to say that horrible word…we could use strikethrough however the hell we’d like….”thank you very much!”…. now….back to the originally scheduled program…..
Dani Dynamic is this girls favorite…. she’s a happy blend of both mom dynamic and Lola but also her own individual. Problem is, self-loathing kicks her a lot… and cuts her… and beats her… he’s a mean bastard I tell ya! We obviously HATE him and as mom Dynamic likes to say to the Sweet and the Great “we don’t say hate, we say, very much dislike“. If you follow us on twitter… you will rarely see us use the word HATE… it’s an ugly word we prefer to save for extreme issues… back to Dani… oh and we have Attention Deficit Disorder as well to add to our “crazy” list of’s … so…. Dani, by far is the most exceptional one…
We recently quizzed our AMAZING hubby, in twitterland known as @enragedbanana or Daddy Dynamic.. but we usually just refer to him, as the husband…. who we adore! O.K. so the question we posed to him was this:
“When you think of us as one, (which he does…..even though, we know, he knows the truth) what characteristics, does that girl embody?” his reply was “she’s beautiful” well…jeez…. we’d hoped for a little more details, so… we further encouraged him to use better adjectives to describe OUR beauty *swooning* (we, oh so, love him!) He then began using words like FUN, HAPPY, DRIVEN, CARING, show stopping smile (actually he said “beautiful smile”, but we changed that a little…hehehe!) He went on to say ” you’re sexy, but not overtly…” we *roll* our eyes saying ” o.k., so she’s classy sexy… ohhhlala…you may continue” at this point he’s pouting, because we keep interrupting.. “you’re a Natural Beauty, like the girl next door…that you want to sleep with” (we punched him… he laughed… he’s more than twice our size… we don’t weigh very much…) we *clear throat…* “so what else do you like about that girl?” he pondered a moment, then… out of his mouth came the words ” She’s an Attentive Wife, Fantastic Mother, Fabulous Cook, also enjoys.. cleaning, taking out trash, washing/drying/folding/putting away clothes, cleaning cat litter, oh and she looooves giving me BLOW JOBS!” now we’re like “whatever…who’s crazy now buddy…no girl is that amazing!” “You may continue...” his voice lowered, he grabbed our hand..”o.k., o.k., you ARE an amazing cook, you DO put the kids before yourself honey, you’re fairly patient…. *pauses* or at least you were…” *insert* us saying “fuck you asshole” *retracting hand* from his he says “you’re very attentive… when you aren’t feeling bad…which by the way…hasn’t been lately“OUCH! that second punch was a low blow and it hurt..bad….but he’s right….
Then we asked him what he liked this girl to wear…he listed (first of course, because sex is always on a mans mind) panties… (he doesn’t care for thongs…he likes butt panties, as we call them…cute and sassy undies) he then said “does wearing nothing count?” again we punched him and took away his cookie…. he also listed… chucks, jeans, tanks, dresses, skirts (must add, he really wants that girl in a mini denim skirt…???) mmm.. ok, The next line is disgustingly sweet, our hubs said “you’re stunning, no matter what you wear“… at that moment we laughed…. now, as we blog…we cry….we want him to have that girl again….
Pull it together dammit…. Dani this is your spotlight dance…. the floor is yours….. and the sun’s a shinin…
I’m the girl he loves… although many times I haven’t the self-confidence I should. I’m a fun, happy, carefree …flip flop wearing, hair pulled up in sloppy bun kind of girl during the day… at work, I’m dressed the part (although the hubby said when he met me, I was a little too conservative. Probably the result of mom Dynamic having wardrobe me that day…). At night… I’m HIS whore…Lola a.k.a. Dani Dominatrix / Submissive Sabrina…. other times… I’m Dani… his wife, mother of two, friend to many, a sister, an aunt, optimistic Olivia… I love to cook, I like sports…Philadelphia teams mainly GO PHILS! I drink beer…do shots…talk about disgusting things… but… I clean up nice… and carry myself well in social situations… people like me, and I tolerate most of them…hehehe!!! I’m athletic, I run, lift weights, do yoga….
I love to dance…
with friends, for hubs (winky,wink), with my Sweet and Great…. by myself…. wherever there’s music playing, I’m like a moth to a flame…I love life…. I love living….I love basking in the sunshine of happiness….
Which brings us back to the beginning… we love this song… because it makes Dani happy….this girl smiles when she’s happy….so without further adieu ….
danigirlgarris 