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I love how you loved me, before you realized, you did in fact, truly love me.

I only feel your love, images captured through a lens, telling the tale of how strong your love once was for me.

Your love for me faded, because life didn’t love us. Your love left you wondering about us, your love wavered.

Now, you no longer love me, the way you loved me, before you realized, how much you could truly love me.

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2012 in Words

 

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Drama….I’m a magnet for it. It finds me, sniffs me out, like a bloodhound tracking a fox, and then, with stealth like accuracy, aces the target every time….

Where I am, drama can be found….without fail. Many times it’s unwarranted….others, not so much….regardless, the fact remains, I can’t escape it, even when on my best behavior…..

So instead of wondering why…I just open my arms wide, and give Drama a big bear hug…..because I can run, but I can’t seem to hide….

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in Words

 

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Awesome….that’s great…. I knew your interview would go well, that you’d hit a home run!

That’s what you want me to say….so I will….and I’ll try and come home with a smile on my face, and a cheery disposition….and I am happy for you, because I know you’re amazing, and I want you to go far in life, because you deserve it….but can it be ok if I’m sad? Really sad, not just a little, but break down in tears, sobbing sad, because this news means you may move….away….far away….and maybe I’m not ready for that…..maybe I want to see you a few times a week, or more. I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye just yet….so can you put this on hold? Can that be ok?

Just so you know, I’m exhausted…..but I don’t want to complain, because you said when I’m happy, it makes you happy….and I like seeing you happy….and if I tell you how drained I am mentally, and physically….you might not wake me any longer, in the wee hours of the morning; your arms pulling me close to you, feeling your warmth radiate through my body, I cherish those moments…..and I’m not ready to lose that…..

So can you be ok with just loving me a little longer…..because I’m not ok….not even a little.

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in Words

 

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Ahhh Valentines Day


Ahhhh Valentines Day is upon us…. The holiday hell-bent on brainwashing people (mostly women), that you’re somehow damaged if you aren’t the recipient of flowers, candy, cards, jewelry…. You know, your basic “I love you” gifts. So many spend this day asking there self “What’s wrong with me, am I unlovable?”

I can only speak from a woman’s perspective….but being alone, or in a loveless relationship…. can make today suck….

So what do we “single” women do? Well most do one of two things….either spend the evening alone, crying in their pillow, quite possibly yearning for someone. A past love, maybe the guy at work who doesn’t know you exist, or the guy you’ve had a couple of casual dates with, who didn’t acknowledge you on this day of great love…. The second choice is usually the ritual many have adopted, which is hanging out with a group of other single friends….claiming to hate the holiday, while consuming massive amounts of alcohol, in hopes of convincing yourself, you truly do hate the most romantic day of the year….

Either of those scenarios leaves you feeling broken….either from crying all night or from a nasty hangover….

Don’t mistake….there are some women out there, who truly are unscathed, by the impact society feeds into this commercialized holiday…but they are few and far between…

Just so you know, I’m writing this, at work, while pacing back and forth, yearning for a beautiful bouquet….that’s all mine……to be delivered….for the validation that I’m loved, worthy to be someone’s Valentine.

I don’t believe in “true love”, or the fairy tale romance…..but somewhere inside of me, there’s that voice telling me it does…..

Related…. Could someone kill the bitch feeding me these lies?

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Words

 

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Posting has become a challenge for me these past few months, until recently. I rarely use my blog as a source to promote things, especially any type of electronics, given I’m challenged in that area. Although I must say, since having my iPhone, and downloading the app for WordPress….it’s become much easier.

I find it imperative to share my thoughts, pain, happiness, and also my life experiences, living with mental illness. Call me crazy (haha, see….I’m funny), but it’s my outlet. Expressing myself through words, makes dealing much more tolerable.

My posts may be boring at times, but I blog for me….all of me….and it’s an amazing feeling when my readers interact, leaving feedback, positive notes, words of kindness and love….

So I’ll continue doing my thing, and you all feel free to voice your thoughts as well. If you have a link or blog you’d like for me, and others to see…don’t be shy….share!

This post brought to you via iPhone, on train, in route to work…

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Words

 

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Q & A “Perfect Day at the Beach”


Question: “Describe your perfect day at the beach”

Come on…. can you be a little more creative?  Just joking…not really…no, seriously…. ok, just answer the question….

Here’s the thing…. I said I’d answer….  I should follow my 1st rule, which is never blog things that could potentially be viewed in a negative light…. but I never follow rules, even my own…. which I should at this point, because I’m sure my answer to this question, will only bring on unwanted comments and behavior…. but here it is….

My perfect day at the beach would be simple…..

Naked, lying on the beach, while the sun kisses my body…. drink in hand (nothing fruity or tropical), with the man I love…. Seeing nothing but sand and surf…. no one else in sight.

Our cabana, slightly hidden by the palm trees, awaits us at the end of the day.  We’ve an outdoor shower so we can bathe in the open air before dinner.  We dine outside on …. watching the sun fade…..

Our bedroom faces the ocean…. there’s no wall, only open space as the sun sets….

And the rest is my fantasy, that hopefully will become reality at some point…..

But I decide who, where and when…. any questions?

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Words

 

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Q & A …. How do I answer this one?


Matthew says “Stating the obvious: You are incredibly beautiful. I am sure you know this. But your writing shows an inner brilliance and beauty that maybe even more beautiful.”

Matthew’s question was “Do you attribute part of this ability to express yourself so movingly to your condition? Or is there an inner struggle that you have to overcome?”

First I’d like to comment on your statement….

Incredibly beautiful? I don’t see it, but thank you…(I’ve been told I’m horrible at accepting compliments, so I’m working on it).
What I’d prefer say is “You’re insane! Mildly attractive, maybe….but beautiful?…yeah, whatever…. *blushing*.

I don’t even have a response for the whole “inner brilliance and beauty comment.” My brain can’t wrap itself around that compliment….

In response to your question….. My condition and inner struggle go hand in hand…. At times, my brain forms a string of words, and I just type whatever flows…. I’m not a writer, this blog is used as a diary of sorts….only I want to share it with complete strangers.

Oh it’s hard to explain, but I’m generally in a dream-like state when I actually write….as opposed to being a narrator…

We’ve got many stories, good and bad trapped inside….and so many thoughts and feelings.

I’m not so great at answering these questions…..

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Words

 

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