First I, then we…what’s up with that?

actually it is me -> this girl -> and it continues…. we, nor this girl, nor __ will ever apologize for being us!!

Much love to our friend… we will mention him in a more positive light at later time… because of your inquisitive nature…you inspired this girl to write about us.. much love and kisses…let us know if you read…

this girl has stated before that Twitter has been a safe haven lately.  Originally we made an account just to spy on the Sweet (daughter).  To clarify, danigarrisgirl account (now Lola_Lovesalot), was created for the sole purpose of spying on the daughter.  The revelation of how amazing twitter was, came in the form of “wow”!  We all found it mesmerizing, to watch such vile, extreme, creative, blasphemy of posts each day! It was love, flashing before our eyes…. we were hooked….ahhhh such relief to just be…. just be…..whatever each day dictates this girl to be…whomever needed to step to the plate did, and with such great pride….

We’ve tried explaining who this girl is in previous posts.  Hell, half the time she doesn’t even know who she is. Someone on twitter, whom we’ve followed under @musicdynamics (Dani Dynamic) profile for a while, suddenly took notice of this girl on the mother ship profile.  At first he thought this girl to be fun, we’re assuming.  You see, he was talking to Dani Dynamic, she’s a sports enthusiast.  It’s baseball season for God’s sake!  this girl LOVES the Phillies!!!  Funny thing is, since he was only following us on the mother ship, he didn’t realize, this girl has created alternate accounts for all of us.  This was done in an attempt to, allow all of us a play date together. Oh, and just to clarify, this is mom dynamic (@momdynamic) speaking. Very rarely do we all get to play at once, in our day to day lives.

This “twitter friend” stated, when he first started chatting with us, we used the term I.  Then we switched it up on him, and started saying we.  this girl chooses to use the terms, we and us, in an attempt to allow people to get to know us.  Problems like this occur from time to time, when one of us is dominating the others. In fact this is Mom Dynamic, I can speak freely.  I, can be me, mom dynamic. I, could also be dani dynamic, or even the ever so popular Lola. Sadly enough at times, I could also be self-loathing speaking.  We all felt this girl would feel more stress if we needed, when chatting and tweeting, to make “our” presence known specifically. This is why we normally just use we, or us, regardless of who is actually speaking for this girl.  Other times, this girl speaks for herself. this girl protects __ ,we are this girl.

Confused?  For the most part we are as well… it ain’t easy friends, living inside this head.

In an attempt to clarify, as best we can, I, mom dynamic, thought of a plan! we should do …… wait for it…wait for it….a family tree for this girl, or something of the sorts.  That way anyone on Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo, Google, etc. could potentially have a better idea of who this girl is and how she protects __.

Family Tree is now a work in progress…. stay tuned to this blog for upcoming reveal… The Truth About Who’s Who in this girls Life; Who this girl Is and Why __ needs her; Who the Hell Are All These People; It Takes a Village To Raise this girl…. all upcoming episodes on Danigirlgarris Blog

This post was written sometime back… The only change made, was that danigarrisgirl profile is now Lola_Lovesalot.  Originally danigarrisgirl was, the mother ship profile, but Lola took over….

Now this girl is without a safe-haven to call our own….

 

Today…

Today

It feels good to be united… it feels good to fight a battle alone. This girl is allowed a day of reprieve. Self-loathing cowers in a corner, Self-Preservation is knocking at my door….

It’s been some time since I’ve felt this strong. Mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola are one today.  No need for this girl to mediate, their personalities blend perfectly.

It’s ironic how the mother finds me a hinderance. Yet there’s no obstacle I can’t overcome, in regard to the Sweet and the Great…

Fear is a distant memory at the moment.  I still have fight left in me.  My children give me the will to move forward…. to defy gravity…. to be me….

 

protection

Why is it I, or this girl or whomever we are, seem to write better when crying?  Maybe it’s because we’ve had it with this fucking shitty ass life… sick to death of watching the Sweet and the Great hurt!  How fair is it to them? They have a fucked up crazy mother (ME), whoever that might be from day-to-day, a piece of shit father and whore bag step-mother.

You see my dear readers… from day-to-day, never does this girl know who is going to play mom.  We love when mom Dynamic steps up to the plate, she tried today…  I can see her… like looking through a glass window… a version of me, yet not me.  Sometimes I scream at her to be better… sometimes I cheer her for being amazing…other times, while looking, she disappears.  So alone….

We all try to shield, especially the Sweet from pain… she’s already told this girl about her others… and we died silently inside, because it’s my fault.  Who did this to her… I did…. we did…. one or probably all, are what caused her pain to emerge.

I do everything possible to remove fear and pain from the Sweet and the Great….yet this girl can’t always protect… she can’t always be mom Dynamic….this girl is tired she says… of protecting me.  She’s sick of trying to convince Dani Dynamic she’s the chosen one… she loathes Lola for trying to destroy our marriage. Right now she hates mom dynamic most.  Moms are protectors of their children, and mom dynamic is failing.

this girl tells me it’s going to be o.k. One day those two amazing children, I gave birth to, will understand and still love me. I think this girl lies.  Why would they forgive someone unable to fulfill normal, day to day, motherly duties?  How could they love someone like me? It’s not possible to love someone they don’t even know….

Why do I have these others?  Is it because of mental illness? Am I bipolar?  Do I have dissociative personality disorder?  Is it because of some form of sexual abuse we’ve suppressed?  The Bitch mother has verbally abused us, for possibly our entire life.  Each day unveils something we didn’t remember.

It was easier before I knew… when this girl was able to protect me from the hurt…before I remembered the others.  When I still believed the Mother loved me, good or bad. Those days are gone.

I see this girl, she’s sitting next to me. She’s pretty and sweet, she’s a good mother and wife.  People love this girl and want to be in her space. But I’m selfish, she can’t leave me and the others until I’m well.

I put my head on her shoulder and cry…. this girl loves me…. because she knows who I am.