Awesome….that’s great…. I knew your interview would go well, that you’d hit a home run!
That’s what you want me to say….so I will….and I’ll try and come home with a smile on my face, and a cheery disposition….and I am happy for you, because I know you’re amazing, and I want you to go far in life, because you deserve it….but can it be ok if I’m sad? Really sad, not just a little, but break down in tears, sobbing sad, because this news means you may move….away….far away….and maybe I’m not ready for that…..maybe I want to see you a few times a week, or more. I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye just yet….so can you put this on hold? Can that be ok?
Just so you know, I’m exhausted…..but I don’t want to complain, because you said when I’m happy, it makes you happy….and I like seeing you happy….and if I tell you how drained I am mentally, and physically….you might not wake me any longer, in the wee hours of the morning; your arms pulling me close to you, feeling your warmth radiate through my body, I cherish those moments…..and I’m not ready to lose that…..
So can you be ok with just loving me a little longer…..because I’m not ok….not even a little.
Ahhhh Valentines Day is upon us…. The holiday hell-bent on brainwashing people (mostly women), that you’re somehow damaged if you aren’t the recipient of flowers, candy, cards, jewelry…. You know, your basic “I love you” gifts. So many spend this day asking there self “What’s wrong with me, am I unlovable?”
I can only speak from a woman’s perspective….but being alone, or in a loveless relationship…. can make today suck….
So what do we “single” women do? Well most do one of two things….either spend the evening alone, crying in their pillow, quite possibly yearning for someone. A past love, maybe the guy at work who doesn’t know you exist, or the guy you’ve had a couple of casual dates with, who didn’t acknowledge you on this day of great love…. The second choice is usually the ritual many have adopted, which is hanging out with a group of other single friends….claiming to hate the holiday, while consuming massive amounts of alcohol, in hopes of convincing yourself, you truly do hate the most romantic day of the year….
Either of those scenarios leaves you feeling broken….either from crying all night or from a nasty hangover….
Don’t mistake….there are some women out there, who truly are unscathed, by the impact society feeds into this commercialized holiday…but they are few and far between…
Just so you know, I’m writing this, at work, while pacing back and forth, yearning for a beautiful bouquet….that’s all mine……to be delivered….for the validation that I’m loved, worthy to be someone’s Valentine.
I don’t believe in “true love”, or the fairy tale romance…..but somewhere inside of me, there’s that voice telling me it does…..
Related…. Could someone kill the bitch feeding me these lies?
Question: “Describe your perfect day at the beach”
Come on…. can you be a little more creative? Just joking…not really…no, seriously…. ok, just answer the question….
Here’s the thing…. I said I’d answer…. I should follow my 1st rule, which is never blog things that could potentially be viewed in a negative light…. but I never follow rules, even my own…. which I should at this point, because I’m sure my answer to this question, will only bring on unwanted comments and behavior…. but here it is….
My perfect day at the beach would be simple…..
Naked, lying on the beach, while the sun kisses my body…. drink in hand (nothing fruity or tropical), with the man I love…. Seeing nothing but sand and surf…. no one else in sight.
Our cabana, slightly hidden by the palm trees, awaits us at the end of the day. We’ve an outdoor shower so we can bathe in the open air before dinner. We dine outside on …. watching the sun fade…..
Our bedroom faces the ocean…. there’s no wall, only open space as the sun sets….
And the rest is my fantasy, that hopefully will become reality at some point…..
This was written within the first few days of beginning our new job. J and I met at work in a similar establishment……
Standing here, at work, feels so eerily familiar. Although it isn’t the same establishment that brought us together, it is in fact the same department. I fight back the tears.
Waves of memories flood my every thought. Vivid images of you and I in those first beautiful months, stolen moments shared that left everyone wondering “are they a couple?” Under watchful eyes, our love affair began to unfold, and slowly, a crush turned into so much more.
I can almost feel your hand brushing against me. That slight touch would send shivers through every ounce of my being. Glances, whispers, longing looks, we shared all these things. We shared our lives, you held my heart; we were in love.
It’s extremely slow here today at the store. Every tie has been touched at least three times and each shirt neatly stacked. I try to suppress my emotions, disguise them from my new co-workers. They look at me curiously now, for I am a mystery to them. My secret, buried deep for time being.
Your presence is so strong, even though you are not here. For a moment I allow myself to be drawn back in, replaying our story in my head, but only for a moment. The pain is still too fresh, the memories crystal clear.
So my love, I’m putting the pen down, forcing a smile, and moving forward.
So….. there’s a few of you who lovingly follow me (us) on Twitter, as well as read my blog….. So for you amazing people, this is old news….
I’ve been married for just over a year. In the course of my relationship with the husband (sometimes referred to as J and most recently AWOL)… we’ve had more than our fair share of difficulties. At the beginning of Sept., he decided he no longer wanted to be my husband. He was extremely unhappy and since Feb. 2011 my DID had been worse than ever before….so he bailed. Just like that, he up and left. We’d discussed numerous times possibly breaking up…but he always said the only way he’d leave me, is if I cheated on him…. which I didn’t. I did do my fair share of bringing doubt into the relationship…. but that’s an entirely different story…..
In retrospect…. it was probably the best thing for me. I had no choice but to pull myself somewhat together, go out, get a job…. and rejoin the land of the living. This was no easy feat….that’s for damn sure…. and I’d never been able to do it without the love and support from a few friends…. a.k.a Hugh (@lessonsinbroken) and Nick (@Nicksilly). I wish I could explain to you all, how truly incredible these two individuals are….. but words can’t begin to describe the motivation these two offered, without reservation……. Each brought a different level of love and acceptance….motivation and nurturing. Without them…. I can honestly say…. oh shit…. there I go being all sappy and shit….
You both know I do and will always love you….. Thank you for everything…..
At what point in our relationship, did you truly know you were in love with “me”? I loved you the minute I saw you interact with the Sweet and Great. It felt right to give them someone who would not only love me, but their amazing little selves as well. They deserved stability, and you offered that.
You tell me how beautiful I am and how you’ll never leave. How can you know that? Have you somehow been blessed with the gift of gazing into the future? Can you somehow predict future outcomes? If this is so, why in the fuck wouldn’t you warn me of all the events, that have occurred over the past few years? Oh, that’s right, you’re not some supernatural power.
Early into our relationship, I honestly tried telling you about me, about us. Numerous times we’ve had discussions about how broken I am. How can someone who’s successful, driven and beautiful be broken? That’s the questions you asked yourself after the conversations we had. The person you choose to see, was created in your mind. Your dream girl, she doesn’t exist.
I/We struggle everyday to create the illusion you so desperately want again. We wish to be the girl of your dreams. I struggle everyday just to appear normal. You, the Sweet and the Great deserve that.
Life has taught us many things, the biggest lesson learned is, no one wants the “real” Danielle. Everyone wants to love the mythical Goddess. The picture perfect wife and mother. A girl worthy of marrying, yet every man’s dream in the bed. Perfection is what the world is after, not reality. So that’s what we give them, exactly what they want. This way, the beast inside of us quiets for a while.
We doubted even blogging this entry, then we remembered, you don’t care enough to read our Blog. By doing so, it would mean you acknowledged who “I” really am. You would embrace all of me, good and bad, the beauty with the pain. The girl posting the blog entries, much like this one, isn’t the girl you married. You’ve reminded us that fact, a multitude of times. An image of your dream girl, that’s what you want. Stay in your blissful bubble of ignorance, you’re in over your head.
actually it is me -> this girl -> and it continues…. we, nor this girl, nor __ will ever apologize for being us!!
Much love to our friend… we will mention him in a more positive light at later time… because of your inquisitive nature…you inspired this girl to write about us.. much love and kisses…let us know if you read…
this girl has stated before that Twitter has been a safe haven lately. Originally we made an account just to spy on the Sweet (daughter). To clarify, danigarrisgirl account (now Lola_Lovesalot), was created for the sole purpose of spying on the daughter. The revelation of how amazing twitter was, came in the form of “wow”! We all found it mesmerizing, to watch such vile, extreme, creative, blasphemy of posts each day! It was love, flashing before our eyes…. we were hooked….ahhhh such relief to just be…. just be…..whatever each day dictates this girl to be…whomever needed to step to the plate did, and with such great pride….
We’ve tried explaining who this girl is in previous posts. Hell, half the time she doesn’t even know who she is. Someone on twitter, whom we’ve followed under @musicdynamics (Dani Dynamic) profile for a while, suddenly took notice of this girl on the mother ship profile. At first he thought this girl to be fun, we’re assuming. You see, he was talking to Dani Dynamic, she’s a sports enthusiast. It’s baseball season for God’s sake! this girl LOVES the Phillies!!! Funny thing is, since he was only following us on the mother ship, he didn’t realize, this girl has created alternate accounts for all of us. This was done in an attempt to, allow all of us a play date together. Oh, and just to clarify, this is mom dynamic (@momdynamic) speaking. Very rarely do we all get to play at once, in our day to day lives.
This “twitter friend” stated, when he first started chatting with us, we used the term I. Then we switched it up on him, and started saying we. this girl chooses to use the terms, we and us, in an attempt to allow people to get to know us. Problems like this occur from time to time, when one of us is dominating the others. In fact this is Mom Dynamic, I can speak freely. I, can be me, mom dynamic. I, could also be dani dynamic, or even the ever so popular Lola. Sadly enough at times, I could also be self-loathing speaking. We all felt this girl would feel more stress if we needed, when chatting and tweeting, to make “our” presence known specifically. This is why we normally just use we, or us, regardless of who is actually speaking for this girl. Other times, this girl speaks for herself. this girl protects __ ,we are this girl.
Confused? For the most part we are as well… it ain’t easy friends, living inside this head.
In an attempt to clarify, as best we can, I, mom dynamic, thought of a plan! we should do …… wait for it…wait for it….a family tree for this girl, or something of the sorts. That way anyone on Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo, Google, etc. could potentially have a better idea of who this girl is and how she protects __.
Family Tree is now a work in progress…. stay tuned to this blog for upcoming reveal… The Truth About Who’s Who in this girls Life; Who this girl Is and Why __ needs her; Who the Hell Are All These People; It Takes a Village To Raise this girl…. all upcoming episodes on Danigirlgarris Blog
This post was written sometime back… The only change made, was that danigarrisgirl profile is now Lola_Lovesalot. Originally danigarrisgirl was, the mother ship profile, but Lola took over….
Now this girl is without a safe-haven to call our own….
It feels good to be united… it feels good to fight a battle alone. This girl is allowed a day of reprieve. Self-loathing cowers in a corner, Self-Preservation is knocking at my door….
It’s been some time since I’ve felt this strong. Mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola are one today. No need for this girl to mediate, their personalities blend perfectly.
It’s ironic how the mother finds me a hinderance. Yet there’s no obstacle I can’t overcome, in regard to the Sweet and the Great…
Fear is a distant memory at the moment. I still have fight left in me. My children give me the will to move forward…. to defy gravity…. to be me….
Recently, a twitter friend of this girls, sent us link to a song, he felt appropriate for us…. It was perfect… made Dani Dynamic cry…. this blog is dedicated, to this girls twitter friend, and now one of Dani’s favorites as well… thanks @highjeep (slim pickens) this blogs for you…*giggling* he’s not a bud guy…more like Yuengling….
We jump all over the place with our entries…this girl is new to the blogging “scene”… we aren’t sure what a sticky post is yet, or how the hell to even incorporate it into our blog, if we did know… but that’s another story…”sticky posts, aren’t they colorful littles pads to write on…… with a glue like substance on one end?” says mom Dynamic…
During this oh so fun, stroll down Memory Hell Lane, we’ve discovered much about ourselves… almost always painful shit surfaces. Nevertheless an occasional, rare glimpse of happiness, will appear out of no where. That’s what happened the day highjeep, dedicated a song to us.
What he failed to realize, was that he sparked for us a happy…what’s a happy? Come on, get your minds out of the gutter….not everything “Happy” is centered around sex… although many things in life are. A happy for us, is something that triggers an emotion, vision, memory, or dream that made us smile. In this case it was a happy for Dani….
If you’re new to the blog… I’m fucked up…and there are many here with me…. this girl is my protector. She is also my liaison for mom Dynamic, Dani Dynamic and Lola. Guarding me is this girls responsibility. This involves kicking the shit out of self-loathing when he decides, to come a knockin… which happens often. Anyway…that too, is another story…back to the “real” entry… oh…and we know that using the strikethrough, as we did, isn’t actually correct…but there were soooo many ways we saw it used…. we decided since we hatethe unmentionable one...enough to say that horrible word…we could use strikethrough however the hell we’d like….”thank you very much!”…. now….back to the originally scheduled program…..
Dani Dynamic is this girls favorite…. she’s a happy blend of both mom dynamic and Lola but also her own individual. Problem is, self-loathing kicks her a lot… and cuts her… and beats her… he’s a mean bastard I tell ya! We obviously HATE him and as mom Dynamic likes to say to the Sweet and the Great “we don’t say hate, we say, very much dislike“. If you follow us on twitter… you will rarely see us use the word HATE… it’s an ugly word we prefer to save for extreme issues… back to Dani… oh and we have Attention Deficit Disorder as well to add to our “crazy” list of’s … so…. Dani, by far is the most exceptional one…
We recently quizzed our AMAZING hubby, in twitterland known as @enragedbanana or Daddy Dynamic.. but we usually just refer to him, as the husband…. who we adore! O.K. so the question we posed to him was this:
“When you think of us as one, (which he does…..even though, we know, he knows the truth) what characteristics, does that girl embody?” his reply was “she’s beautiful” well…jeez…. we’d hoped for a little more details, so… we further encouraged him to use better adjectives to describe OUR beauty *swooning* (we, oh so, love him!) He then began using words like FUN, HAPPY, DRIVEN, CARING, show stopping smile (actually he said “beautiful smile”, but we changed that a little…hehehe!) He went on to say ” you’re sexy, but not overtly…” we *roll* our eyes saying ” o.k., so she’s classy sexy… ohhhlala…you may continue” at this point he’s pouting, because we keep interrupting.. “you’re a Natural Beauty, like the girl next door…that you want to sleep with” (we punched him… he laughed… he’s more than twice our size… we don’t weigh very much…) we *clear throat…* “so what else do you like about that girl?” he pondered a moment, then… out of his mouth came the words ” She’s an Attentive Wife, Fantastic Mother, Fabulous Cook, also enjoys.. cleaning, taking out trash, washing/drying/folding/putting away clothes, cleaning cat litter, oh and she looooves giving me BLOW JOBS!” now we’re like “whatever…who’s crazy now buddy…no girl is that amazing!” “You may continue...” his voice lowered, he grabbed our hand..”o.k., o.k., you ARE an amazing cook, you DO put the kids before yourself honey, you’re fairly patient…. *pauses* or at least you were…” *insert* us saying “fuck you asshole” *retracting hand* from his he says “you’re very attentive… when you aren’t feeling bad…which by the way…hasn’t been lately“OUCH! that second punch was a low blow and it hurt..bad….but he’s right….
Then we asked him what he liked this girl to wear…he listed (first of course, because sex is always on a mans mind) panties… (he doesn’t care for thongs…he likes butt panties, as we call them…cute and sassy undies) he then said “does wearing nothing count?” again we punched him and took away his cookie…. he also listed… chucks, jeans, tanks, dresses, skirts (must add, he really wants that girl in a mini denim skirt…???) mmm.. ok, The next line is disgustingly sweet, our hubs said “you’re stunning, no matter what you wear“… at that moment we laughed…. now, as we blog…we cry….we want him to have that girl again….
Pull it together dammit…. Dani this is your spotlight dance…. the floor is yours….. and the sun’s a shinin…
I’m the girl he loves… although many times I haven’t the self-confidence I should. I’m a fun, happy, carefree …flip flop wearing, hair pulled up in sloppy bun kind of girl during the day… at work, I’m dressed the part (although the hubby said when he met me, I was a little too conservative. Probably the result of mom Dynamic having wardrobe me that day…). At night… I’m HIS whore…Lola a.k.a. Dani Dominatrix / Submissive Sabrina…. other times… I’m Dani… his wife, mother of two, friend to many, a sister, an aunt, optimistic Olivia… I love to cook, I like sports…Philadelphia teams mainly GO PHILS! I drink beer…do shots…talk about disgusting things… but… I clean up nice… and carry myself well in social situations… people like me, and I tolerate most of them…hehehe!!! I’m athletic, I run, lift weights, do yoga….
I love to dance…
with friends, for hubs (winky,wink), with my Sweet and Great…. by myself…. wherever there’s music playing, I’m like a moth to a flame…I love life…. I love living….I love basking in the sunshine of happiness….
Which brings us back to the beginning… we love this song… because it makes Dani happy….this girl smiles when she’s happy….so without further adieu ….
danigirlgarris 